The 1990’s was a time of change in our views as a nation on sex and violence and has affected the video game industry even until today. A decade where it was not bizarre to see teens in the streets of America throwing there arms up in the air yelling “MORTAL KOMBAT!!!” A decade ruled by fascist overlords who would try to control the color of our piss by dictating what we ate for many years to come.

The 90s was also a time when two video game giants were fighting for market dominance among many new contenders. Between the Super Nintendo and the Sega Genesis, I would favor Sega simply because if you dropped the two from your balcony there would only be one survivor! If you don’t understand what I mean by that, get your parents to have sex on camera and produce a few more siblings, wait a few years and let them play with your shit, it will soon become clear to you. Because in my house, we are all winners, and we didn’t play with no pussy system! Fuck yea!

Anyways back to my rant, I personally feel that the Sega sacrificed the Genesis to Satan in some botched ritualistic ceremony as an attempt to take over the world. Either that or all the hot interns at Nintendo slept with all of the game developers to have superior games made on there system. Oh Nintendo… you disappoint me, why always gimmicks? That aside, between you and me, the Lord himself, and all the Sega fan-boys out there. There be some shitty Sega Genesis games yo! And here be one son:

DJ Boy: Kaneko (1990)

This game is not even in the same god damn ballpark as the norm, but then again it’s a Japanese game so enough said. There are a lot of things working against the game from the get go, the title screen is uninspired trash, I mean how many times have we seen the whole “graffiti on a wall” theme? Then they have the letters “DJ” filled in with stars and stripes, as if the Japanese are somehow trying to blame this turd-fest of a game on America.

Shit-tacular game title screen

When the game starts we are treated to a cartoon-strip style intro showing the games generic storyline: kidnapper meets girl because girl is stupid, boy stands idly by as van makes a clean get away, boy chases van (in of all things) roller-skates, girl yells for help because she’s an defenseless imbecile, then boy meets fist of every goddamn scumbag in the city (who apparently are friends of the kidnapper).

"Oh creepy guy! You had me at ZA ZA ZA!"
”That will teach ya to chat on the internet… Bitch!”
"Sorry Peach... MY princess is in another castle!"

It may not be immediately apparent once you start playing, but it seems the developers had a game in mind that would single handedly exploit every minority stereotype at once, and trust me they got really close! Since words alone wouldn’t do justice in explaining just what I am talking about, below are images that fully captures the out right level of prejudice in this game. So with that being said allow me to introduce to you one of the most offensive boss battles in gaming history!  

What we have as the first Boss is a black face minstrel, which seems to have been fashioned after Aunt Jemima herself. She falls out of the clear blue sky and starts beating your meat with extreme prejudice, but wait, it gets worst! Apparently the developers felt that they weren’t pushing the envelope far enough, so they decided to empower her with the most tasteless and degrading attacks possible, Farts! Not your run of the mill farts either. A McGriddle powered anal blasting torrent that the very fumes of nauseous gases seek you out and tarnishes your very soul! And if an attack that punishes you at a deeply spiritual level isn’t enough she also pummels you with every flaying limb in a violent thrashing convulsion. To drive the whole racial point home they even include a train track in the background as if to say “Big Momma” is from the wrong side of the tracks. So kids, we learned today that with a broken moral compass anything is possible and no subject is off limits!

The second Boss is nearly as offensive, like a good fundamentalist Christian, DJ Boy finds and dispatches anything that may offend the standards of the church. So his next target is this gay Chip and Dale dancer who I will refer to as “QueerBot” from now on. Listen up QueerBot., Jesus has your number buddy and its up. Unfortunately for ‘DJ’, QueerBot has beautifully mastered the role of ‘Lord of the Fags’ and River dances all over his ass ala Attack of the Homosexual Menace. Below I have included pictures of the battle in progress.

If you happen to be a raving homosexual stripper, I suggest you put on your fuchsia flip-flops, throw on your rhinestone-incrusted ass-less chaps, slap on that feather boa and picket this queer-bashing ass eating fest!

QueerBot: ”Mmmm… Look at that ass!”

As you can see this game has almost as much racial stereotypes as a Ralph Bakshi movie.

The two next battles are not as outrageous so I’ll mention them briefly. The third boss is a pair of lame clowns that are reminiscent of Pennywise from Stephen Kings “It”. The fourth Boss is what appears to be the dark skinned evil twin of DJ Boy himself.

”This is battery acid, you slime!!” “ARRGGHHH!!!”
‘DJ Dark’ serves ‘DJ Lite’ in a lesson on stompin’ da yard

I would love to have been there when they brainstormed the concept for this game. I can just imagine the game designer rattle off some bullshit like:

Game Designer: “Ok, I got an idea that totally captures the “Bad-itude” of kids today. What about a fighting game where your trying to save your girlfriend from a horny pedophile by traveling on roller blades while you beat up fat people, Roller Disco midgets, black women and gay male strippers?!”

How a concept like THAT ever saw the light of day makes you wonder if the producers at Kaneko paid their game designers in crack cocaine because you gotta be a Robert Downey Jr grade crack-head in order to come up with some fucking retarded ideas like that. In fact, any of the mental defectives remotely involved in this game should practice abstinence to save the human race. We don’t need more dumb babies growing up to be dumb people who in turn produce socially irresponsible, mentally degrading games.

”Fighting and Roller Skating goes together like Peanut Butter and Crack… A winning combination!!”

Apparently the Japanese aren’t so shy about being racist/sexist assholes but when they ported this one to America, lots of changes where made. You see, here in America you can show on TV small ninja babies beating each other to death with the bones of an aborted fetus but the second you show those very babies simply being breast fed on camera you open a whole moral Pandora’s Box. Which probably means that both the Japanese are tiny tangy crunchy bigots and the Americans are total pussies. So the developers decided to change their bosses.

"Police, now you see me…”
"...And now you dont!"

So they pretty much just changed her skin color to some unnatural ungodly pink, and her fart attack was changed to her throwing Cream pies, or is it jelly donuts? I’m not sure, which ever fat bitches eat. To me these changes where for the worst and are just a slap in the face. They only serve to undermine our intelligence and they feels like a half-assed compromise. As if to say that it’s NOT ok to be racist but its still ok to beat on fat people and women.

In the American version of DJ Boy, Kaneko also removed the storyline intro, the ending cinema and actually rewrote the story that involved (but was only mentioned in the instruction booklet) DJ’s saving his stolen boom-box from the thugs. Any reference to DJ’s girlfriend or her kidnapping was removed throughout the game.

Japanese Version Box:
Front: Back:
Emilio Estevez in Foot Loose 2: Krumpin Edition
It takes just one screen shot to get your game sold in Japan
American Version Box:
With a cover like this, who needs drugs!!
I bet you cant guess where Ash Catchem is hiding Pikachu!

Even in the game’s American packaging DJ’s girlfriend is mysteriously absent but prominently displayed in the original Japanese version as seen in the images above. What’s even worst is that the back of the American box, there isn’t any kind of description as to what kind of game it is (yea, a picture of a roller-skating dumbass in the front isn’t enough to tell me it’s a fighting game) or at lest a damn screenshot of the game! Instead we Americans get a pinup picture of DJ Boy in his gayest pose yet.

The Japanese versions of games are notorious for being harder than there American counterparts. So naturally changes where made that also affected the game play. Yes, you still start with only one life for the entirety of the WHOLE game, and yes you still start with four bars on your health meter. But now it takes several hits to drain one bar when in the Japanese version each one of those bars equals to just one hit.

Difficulty aside, small details in the background and level graphics where changed for the American version, these changes also included adding sexually suggestive posters on walls including other details too numerous to mention. Why they changed the first level from the original (a sea side shipping peer) to a played-out city street is still a mystery to me.

Are you out of work?
At least Helen Hunt is still getting work in the Ad industry

In game you collect money as you go. Because you know, when your girlfriend gets kidnapped you still have the luxury of time to shop for burgers and kittens! And where the fuck is this store where you can find burgers and kittens under the same roof? Oh never mind, It’s a Walmart.

Finally we met our arch nemesis, its time to put wheels to teeth then receive some sweet lovin’ from the Misses (or sweet lovin’ from your boom-box as in the American version) and just like every other battle before, this guy is cheap and fights dirty but still ends up being an disappointing battle.

Idiot: “It’s something about ‘S8ter Boi’ that makes it so hard rock!”

Dee Snider after just learning Twisted Sister popularity has plummeted

So after beating the kidnapper you expect to get your girl, pat yourself in the back, roll the credits and The end right? Not even close, if you where disappointed with the last Boss battle get ready for some more punishment. This was actually a chance for Kaneko to partially redeem themselves from the bigotry and insane lameness of this so-called video game. All they had to do was to get this Boss battle right, and maybe, just maybe we would see past the utter disappointment that DJ Boy has been up to this point. However, if you have been paying attention throughout this review (and have enough common sense not to put your baby kitten in a blender) you can already tell Kaneko totally blows it. You are right they do, no cool final battle for us, instead we are further subjugated to more in-your-face racism Kaneko so love to supply:

Big Momma! Now with Kung-Fu grip!

Right now little baby Jesus is crying tears of blood some where, thanks a lot DJ BOY!!!

So after skating from town to town getting your ass kicked by every goddamn thug and still having time to physically assaulting every black woman in your sight you are rewarded with the following ending:

The aftermath of the English language being bludgeoned with the fury of small Japanese hands

I am not entirely certain if you play this game you will become a racist, but now I have my doubts I’ll be seeing the sweet face of our lord Jesus Christ up in Heaven after playing this game. Sure, I killed several hobos that one drunken night, but I was certain saving all of those star-trendy Ethiopian babies from that burning orphanage would put me back in God’s good graces. Again thanks to DJ Boy I have my doubts, I feel like I was an accomplice in something far too sinister to be forgiven. Yes, God would forgive me for partaking in blatant racism, but I cannot see how he will forgive anyone playing a game so diabolically bad. Just by reading this review, I put your soul in serious jeopardy. After all is said and done, this game leaves with you with a thick sense of dread, like the overwhelming stench that’s left behind after an performance by Ben Affleck, no exaggeration… Truly soul crippling! And since I am already going to hell, here’s Keanu Reeves:

Whoa!!!

Exactly Keanu, I couldn’t have said it better myself…

This screen should be a metaphor for life. When you fucking totally suck badly at everything like this game does, there’s nothing more fitting or deserving at death then a blank screen with just the words “Game Over” on it…

-Lithium Lex (06/13/07)